On my public profiles, I had shared news of excitement that couldn’t be contained. We were expecting baby number 5! Our 6th pregnancy, as we had a loss in 2012, exactly 9 months before we found out we were expecting our now 14 month old baby boy. Now we were excited that he was going to be a big brother. Maybe it would be a girl for all of our boys. Maybe it would just be another boy. Either way we were too excited to wait and tell people. Almost a month and a half went by after we posted our announcement before we were shocked with the news that our baby was gone. There was no longer a heart beat. All of our hopes and dreams came crashing down in that instant.
Yesterday I miscarried. I won’t pretend that I understand the why. I still have faith that this WILL be okay. God has a plan, and although I don’t know it, and I don’t agree with it, it’s not my choice to make. God didn’t kill my baby. My God is a good God. This is just an effect of the world and sin today. My baby never knew pain, never knew fear, never knew heart break. This is a very difficult post to write, but maybe just maybe it will help someone else. I struggled to know whether to write such a personal post on my photography page, but maybe it’s for you. If it’s not, then I apologize. All I know is my baby went from knowing love in the womb to knowing the love of God. He is better for the baby than I could ever be. He knew my pain before it happened, and while the pain is deep and unbearable and uncomfortable, God is right there saying I KNOW. JUST HOLD ON TO ME. I’ve screamed in anger, and I’ve cried in grief. God understands it all.
Maybe you’re in my shoes, and you just need someone to tell you it’s going to be okay. IT IS GOING TO BE OK. Nothing will ever replace your baby, or the love you have for your little one. All I want you to know is I’m praying. I’m praying you’ll begin to feel the kind of comfort in this moment that I’m feeling, and I’m praying that people would love on you the way they have for me. For those who are carrying and expecting their little ones, cherish it, and everything that comes with it. I wish you luck on the journey ahead, and hopefully I’ll get to photograph your newborn that you’ve waited so patiently for. <3